Rejuvenation for Dummies

You can call me a sissy all you want, but I don’t care. I won’t wear pink. I refuse to wear flip-flops or sandals of any type. (In fact, I don’t believe the words men. And sandals. Belong in the same sentence.) I am lost in the kitchen. I will not purchase brightly colored underthings. I believe the Lifetime Channel is a menace and should be banned from the airwaves. I refuse to cry at movies that do not involve sports. But after receiving my first ever massage recently… To heck with Sears gift cards, I know what I want for my birthday from here on out.

I thought I should write a primer for all the men out there who need to be gently guided into the world of rejuvenating massage, but I’m not so sure there’s a grand need for such an essay. My masseuse, Carrie – yes, I’m man enough to say the words, My masseuse, Carrie… My masseuse, Carrie, said that she gets more male clients than female in her little town, and that this was the case when she was in school, too. Maybe all men are already getting massages and I just missed the memo. (This happened once before with perfume – um, I mean, male-marketed cologne.)

Anyway, for anyone who might care, here are some massage tips from me to you. You can thank me later.

#1: “Full body massage” is a misnomer, so don’t worry yourself. More like “Whole-lotta body massage.” If you want a true full body massage, you have to get married, and that costs extra. LOTS extra.

#2: Remember: massages are therapeutic. This is not dating. Do not get these two confused. I grew up in a repressive environment where touching always meant something sexual, so yes, after my massage I had a strange urge to smoke a cigarette, but therapy is helping with all that.

#3: That having been said, if your wife or significant other is as enlightened as mine, get a masseuse instead of a masseur. First off, masseur sounds gross, sort of like a southern plantation owner complaining about septic problems (Ma sewer is backing up…). Second, and more important, the idea of having a man touch me to help me feel better still creeps me out. Therapy hasn’t helped that much yet.

#4: This is conjecture, but I’d suggest finding a masseuse in a small town. Carrie works in a town of less than two thousand residents, so that definitely qualifies. My inlaws say that Carrie grew up on a farm doing manual labor sort of chores before becoming a masseuse. Trust me on this one: that is a winning combination.

#5: When you arrive, you will be listening to New Age music, either soft piano or gurgling streams or something close akin. In case it is gurgling streams, be sure to go to the restroom beforehand.

#6: Wear clean underwear. No one will know, but it’s simply good hygiene guys.

#7: Drink the bottle of water they give you afterwards. It is not a door prize. They say it’s to help flush out the toxins the massage projected into your bloodstream. Toxin projecting is a good thing, but only if you flush.

#8: Do not operate heavy machinery for several hours afterwards. Your brain will still be in the Fiji Islands where no one operates heavy machinery for a reason.

#9: Do not wear pink or sandals. Don’t wear pink or sandals ever again. You’re a man for Pete’s sake!

This is all I can think of right now, but Rejuvenation for Dummies is a work in progress. When you go in for your first massage, please feel free to share any important tips I may have left out.